Thinking of Exploring the Hoe Phase? Think Again.

As a woman in my thirties, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on how I respond to societal expectations—especially around relationships and identity. Over the years, I’ve become more confident in tuning out opinions that don’t align with my values.

I am genuinely at peace with myself and my singlehood. Yet lately, I’ve encountered many women who suggest that, while I wait for “the one,” I should dive into what they call “The Hoe Phase.” For those who haven’t heard of it, this phase is described as a temporary period of exploring one’s sexuality through casual, non-monogamous relationships with multiple partners.

What really surprised me was that an increasing number of women appear to be open to this idea. Some women even loved to mention how their hoe phase helped them find their partner. I know many women who also feel otherwise and say that the hoe phase didn’t feel great at all, and they regret it deeply. Still, both groups strongly suggest that I should give it a shot.

When I ask why, they seem convinced that it’s empowering. When I ask, ‘How and who is it empowering?’ All I hear is the fake ego of women who think they can do things like men. But why are we trying to do things like men? We are women, aren’t we??

To me, this phase sounds like a choice where a woman invests her mental, spiritual, physical, sexual, and sometimes even emotional energy into experiences that often lack genuine intimacy.

I’m constantly reminded that my perspective on the “hoe” phase is flawed. And I am left to wonder if I am missing out on something that could actually be what I need, which has led me to have some interesting conversations lately.

These conversations have reinforced that it’s not my views that are flawed, but the lack of understanding of the repercussions of this flawed phase. If you, like me, have had experience with conversations around this topic that left you thinking if this is really a phase you need to explore to find yourself. I need you to ask yourself :

1. Are you giving in to the Pressure of the Hoe phase Cult?

You need to listen to yourself at all times in all circumstances. Yes, we do need people in our lives; we can go to and share our problems with, expecting they will listen or offer a piece of advice that can help us see and understand other perspectives. But if you are constantly being suggested to overlook and ignore your real problems and give in to the hoe phase. You need to know you are probably looking for advice in the wrong place.

The fun part about these people is that they make the ” hoe phase sound like an experience that you are missing out on and you need to get going fast, as if it’s a phase that will redeem you. It’s compared with spiritual awakening. You are made to think that you have to align with this idea; otherwise, you won’t achieve enlightenment or Nirvana. It’s as if you’re missing out on something so rare and exclusive that it could alter the very purpose of your life.

The worst part is when they start narrating how their “hoe phase” led them to the man they are married to now, and that this is a phase that’s supposedly a must for every woman looking for a long-term relationship. It sounds like a sales pitch. I respect people and their choices unless those choices are presented as advice I never asked for or needed, so I can imagine how difficult it would be for younger women who have no experience and are exploring life influenced by these hoe phase cult members.

I can assure all you young women out there that I never had a “Hoe” phase and never will, because I never needed one, and I won’t need one. I have not missed out on falling in love and growing in life. Yes, my heart got broken too, but for something real and mutual. So don’t let anyone influence you into thinking that sleeping with multiple men is freedom and empowers you to make better choices in the dating world or in life. You don’t have to give in to the pressure, and yes, it’s not cool either.

2. Explore your thoughts

Ask yourself what your definition of overall fulfilment is. It’s essential you know what you idealize in a relationship. Do you think sleeping with multiple men will put you at less risk of getting your heart broken than when you actually love that one person who may or may not be your forever, but will be a relationship of your life that will introduce you to some extreme emotions that you may otherwise have missed out on?

Emotions like pure joy, happiness, hurt, pain, and love are intense feelings that will shape you into a wiser person in the future. Or would you choose skipping these emotions and sleep with people mindlessly, trying to convince yourself that you don’t need or are not ready to explore emotions?

I have had my heart broken multiple times, but every time, I came out stronger and faced some complex emotions and had realizations that have turned me into a happier, wiser, and more secure person. I would choose to go through those experiences over and over again rather than exploring a phase where I, as a woman, lose respect for myself.

3. Ask yourself if you respect your body

I respect my body, and I am very aware of the energy I share or receive from others. It is very important that you Understand Sex is an Energy exchange. Exchanging your energy with men who are not worthy of you is nothing but a sign of really low self-esteem.

It’s also interesting that even secular femininity “gurus” agree that sexual promiscuity is one of the quickest ways for a woman to deplete her feminine energy.

Also, think about the numerous diseases, unwanted pregnancy, depleting self-esteem and having men explore you for offering you nothing will affect your mental health in so many ways. The worst is when you fall into the pattern of thinking that the only way to get a man’s approval is by letting them use your body. This idea in itself is so traumatizing. The only place as a soul we live in is our body, respect it.

4. Know, Hoe phase cannot heal your Trauma

So life was tough on you in your childhood; you were manipulated, lied to, hurt, threatened, or maybe the love of your life left you for someone else, or you broke your own heart, and this left you traumatized, and you think sleeping with multiple people is the only way to make you feel better.

“Then I would say, go for it if you believe this will help you, but before you try to explore the hoe phase. I would highly recommend that you first try the growth phase of therapy, self-love, Travel, prayer, meditation, and exercising your mind and body. If none of these practices work, proceed with exploring this last alternative. I am sure it might work for some people, but it’s not a magic pill for everyone.

My childhood definitely wasn’t easy, but I never felt the need to lose my Trauma through Sex. I learned how the respect I seek from others is a reflection of the respect I give to myself.

Some traumas break us, but you don’t have to hurt yourself and your soul over it again. Take therapy to work through your issues and learn how to cope with your emotions. Discover who you are and learn about yourself. Stop watching shows and movies that glorify the “hoe” phase. Shows and films are made with an agenda to influence. Don’t be fooled by the half-truths they show about how the hoe phase is cool.

5.No, Hoe phase is not Empowerment

I grew up watching some remarkable women and how their thoughts have given us women the freedom, the power, and the rights we enjoy nowadays.

Empowerment is a lot more than just dating multiple men. As women, the Hoe phase is nothing to be proud of. It’s not an achievement. I know a lot of women who have stated that they are ashamed of going through this phase and regret letting men below their standards use them. They also accept that they would defend themselves and what they were doing by labelling it empowerment, when it was just an act of giving in to a meaningless phase.

6. Stop pretending and ask yourself: who does this “Hoe” phase really benefit?

Hoe phase is easy for women-even an average woman can get to sleep with more men than an average-looking man will. The average young man often struggles to find partners as easily as the average woman does. Letting a man below your standard touch you, kiss you, be with you and enjoy your energy only to leave you feeling more confused and have negative thoughts about how all men may be like that. Making you question even great men who may admire you for who you really are.

Try this- Instead of the Hoe phase, go through the growth phase. Go through a healing phase, a learning phase, and a self-love phase. Work on your overall personality and build a strong character. Have fun becoming secure. Enjoy learning how to protect your energy and use it for soul-satisfying activities other than just sex with strange men.

7. Think about what happens after the Hoe phase?

Do you really have the time to again start working on yourself, habits, addictions and the low self-esteem that the hoe phase will add to your life.

Would you have the energy to work on the lost time you wasted on sleeping around and staying in situationships that kept you stuck in the idea that the next man is the one, when it’s just a cycle of consensual abuse and nothing more? Yes, there are exceptions, but they are called exceptions for a reason.

Remember, nothing is foolproof, and trust me when I tell you the women I know of who sleep around a lot are highly stressed, have developed issues they did not have before going through this so-called hoe phase adventure. To name the worst fear is the fear of being devalued after Sex like they were nothing.

8. Ask yourself why you are not idealizing Powerful women

Do you have a list of powerful women from history or current times that you admire? Let me tell you this: these women became powerful as they worked on themselves and achieved real success in life.

Learning to make yourself powerful and developing self-control is an art that will keep you spiritually, intellectually, and mentally healthy, for the one with whom you can share the most authentic self while staying in your power. The fear of getting hurt is not for a weak woman. Powerful women learn from their hurt and channel it into creating beautiful lives, not giving away their power to anyone or everyone who is not worth it.

Let’s be honest, men or women, we all need and want emotional fulfilment in our relationships, and this includes women who have decided to take the hoe phase route too. We want someone to witness our growth, see us fail and appreciate our strength.

And you can explore your sexuality without being a Hoe by learning about yourself and by tapping into your emotions, vulnerability, ability, desires, feelings, and intensity of your thoughts about love and other bonds. Men or women, we all deserve to stay in healthy, long-lasting relationships.

Sleeping with a man who loves you and you love them too is an experience worth waiting for, as it’s soul-fulfilling, and the emotional intimacy you will experience will be magical.

Remember, in the end, you have to come back to yourself and sleep with yourself. You can’t hoe around with your authentic self.

I would love to know if you also think that we need to seriously stop glorifying “the hoe phase”?

Please share your views with me in the comments. I’d love to read about them.

—Love,  G