What to do when you feel stupid for being honest?

• Do we make ourselves feel stupid?
• Emotions – a powerful source of information
• Integrity doesn’t come for free
• Honesty and embarrassment are friends
• Stop lying to yourself
• It’s okay to be needy

Feeling stupid hurts, especially when you are made to feel this way for being honest and expressive of your emotions. I have been there many times, and I got hurt deeply every time I walked that path.

I hated myself for days, weeks, and months and felt stupid for being honest and putting myself out there. I did think about whether I should stop being honest at all and look for ways to become someone who does not feel anything. I wanted to numb my thinking brain, sinking heart, teary eyes, and limitless anger at myself for displaying emotions where they were not cared for.

I promised myself to never be this person again who expresses anything at all. I lived for a few months like that, where I stopped talking, withdrew from expressing myself, went quiet, and went silent.

I learned in this period of withdrawing from expressing myself that feeling stupid for being needy and being honest about how you feel is absolutely okay. I learned that feeling stupid is just one part of an infinite range of emotions one can feel. So it’s okay to feel stupid like it’s okay to feel any other emotions. I also learned that a very small part of you, feeling stupid has to do with others. It mostly has to do with you making a poor choice of expressing yourself to someone who really is not looking forward to fulfilling any of your emotional needs.

I am only human, and I am still learning how people can make me feel safe with very little effort and make me think I can express myself and my needs to them only to get hurt and feel stupid in the end. But my learnings have helped me to be in control of my emotions while staying honest more than ever. It is helping me to detach from people, and burdening them with my expectations and neediness.

Yes, in most cases, feeling stupid is a reaction to not getting what you want. When that’s the case, take time to accept and learn the following:

1. No one can make you feel stupid but yourself

Well, in most cases, you will feel stupid simply when someone doesn’t reciprocate your love and fulfil your expectations of them. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow. But it is the truth. I have learned and experienced this recently too.

I wanted someone to include me in his life, and he showed no interest in this need of mine. He was not clear but his acts were, and it was me who could not see and accept this situation for what it was.

It was tricky in his words, but I understood that it was a situation where my needs would never be met. And I would hate him to fake his care for me. I hate myself even now for not letting go of this sooner. I also feel stupid to act like I did not know that he did not care.

How could I not see it? I am such a fool. I am angry at myself and I also know I am only human, and I am allowed to trip at times, even if it’s with people who never wanted me to begin with. I take complete accountability for feeling the way I am feeling right now but I think this feeling will mellow down in a few days and months since it is not the first time I have felt stupid. Taking accountability forces you to see your part in the process and look deeper into your patterns of expecting from others without them showing real emotions towards you.

2. Emotions are a powerful source of information

If we look at our emotions closely And understand why we felt the way we did. It will help us understand and realize that very little of our feelings have to do with others and their behaviours. It’s us, and our hope of how we want others to behave with us is making our emotions go bonkers. Learn to observe, accept, and even stay in that emotion to familiarize yourself.

Ask yourself- What is it that makes you trust people so easily? What makes you let them come so close so soon? Why are your boundaries so weak when someone shows a little bit of interest in you?

You will find that it was always you, never them who made you feel stupid. You were stupid and they just reflected that on you. Set them free and thank them for being honest with you.

3. Remember, integrity doesn’t come for free

If it is honest, it has a high price. Being honest is not easy, which is why it’s a virtue that goes beyond telling the truth. Being honest is not always going to pay you with love, happiness, and care in return.

It will also expose you to dishonest feelings and everything that is not true and cannot be honest. It is rare to find people who are what they tell you and make you think of themselves. Being integral means being real even when no one is watching you. Let’s be honest, how many of us have met more than one person like this in our whole lifetime? This is also the same reason meeting such a person would be a joyful, easy, and magical experience.

So to meet someone honest, you have first to go through the understanding of what is not honest.

4. Honesty and embarrassment are friends

The more honest you are, the more shame and embarrassment will come to you at the start. Being honest requires you to be shameless about how you feel, and that is the most uncomfortable place to be. Being naked with your emotions and exposing your truthfulness to someone who is probably not ready for it is going to bring in a lot of embarrassment.

That’s always how it will be, whether you like it or not. You cannot skip embarrassment until you meet someone who will truly appreciate you expressing your needs and your honesty about them.

Till then, you will have to go about feeling stupid now and then.

5. Stop lying to yourself

Most of the time, when you are made to feel stupid, It is because you deserve it.

You are the only person to be blamed for it.

You used honesty as a strategy, thinking the other person would say what you wanted them to say and how you wanted them to react. And when they don’t do that, You feel stupid since you thought you would get the reaction you had pictured in your head. Yes, even if it was them who made you believe that they are into you. You did not see them for who they were and kept playing a different version of them in your head.

You wanted a specific reaction from this person and wanted it to go as per the story in your head.

I have learned that anyone can only make you feel stupid when you know that they are not honest, but you keep trying and waiting for them to be honest with you, and when you do not get the reciprocation that you have pictured in your head. You end up feeling lied to and stupid enough to hate and punish yourself for the longest time.

6. There is nothing wrong with being needy

Feeling stupid to express your needs is something you need to let go of and stop looking to become a person who doesn’t feel anything and has no needs.

In a healthy bond, expressing your needs is usually a sign of a healthy mind, and living in an environment where you feel encouraged to express your needs is a sign of a healthy environment. Expressing neediness can make a relationship more beautiful and help partners channel their love in the right direction, making their relationship flourish.

However, when the neediness expressed is not seen in the right light and is confused with attention-seeking behaviour or you are expected to not show your needs and play it cool, it is a sign that your needs will never be met, which is eventually going to result in big embarrassment and shame later, making you question yourself for expressing your neediness.

Know that in this case, it’s not your needs that are not met that make you feel stupid, but the person you expressed them to who was unable to offer you what you needed.

So forgive yourself and validate your needs. Continue being open about your needs, and once you make this a habit, you will be able to recover from the hurt and pain of expectations not being met by others move on easily and meet people who would value you and celebrate your authenticity. You will also learn to validate your needs and accept that it was this person who could not fulfil them. I know it’s easier said than done.

I am still recovering from feeling stupid, understanding what I need to soothe my heart and hating myself for expressing my needs but I am also grateful that in spite of being hurt over and over again, I have the courage to be myself, be shameless and express what I want. I want to stop making excuses for people hurting me for just being real and forgetting how they treated me last time. I am sure one day I will be in a place where I will save myself a lot of time and patience by accepting what’s not for me sooner.

I want to feel okay faster when I feel stupid next time and be able to forgive myself faster too than moving slowly towards it knowing no one owes me anything.

Love

G